nine

not
even
knowing
what
to
write
feeling
so

mixed
up.

not
even 
sure
what
that
means.

or
what
i 
mean.

eight

just when you think you're feeling better
you realize you're not.
the sun is out. the sky is blue.
suddenly the clouds rush in to cover
the happiness.
emotions change,
thoughts get heavy,
walls close in,
no one notices but me.
get up.
go out.
move.
my body is so heavy,
held down by the realization
that every better feeling
is only temporary.

seven

there is one disadvantage
to being happy all the time
or seeming so
outside yourself
and that is
when you're not
everyone notices.
and so you try 
a little harder 
to make the happy
happier
but the not gets
so much bigger
and so you try a lot harder
and then the happy tries
are almost
impossible.

six

i am so exhausted
listening to the screams
inside my head.
i am the only one
who hears them,
their deafening silence
is louder than life,
wrapping around my dreams,
enveloping the frustration.
pay attention
i am here,
an observer only partly seen-
wanting to be heard.

five

i brought a life into this one

i was hoping to watch,

and guide,

and share
and be a big part,
make a difference-

but somehow

i am only a small part 
of her life,

unable to make changes

to the world

i was once in.

maybe later,
things will change-

i’ve stopped hoping now

and that’s the hardest part.

four

i feel like I’m locked in a prison

that no one else can see.

it is invisible

hidden by my happiness;

the bars that keep me in

are reinforced

by the smiles I’m sentenced

to wear.

three

minutes seem to alternate my feelings,

hours consume my thoughts,

days pass me by unfulfilled,

months blend into each other without separation,

years take a toll on my reasoning,

decades mark the changes,

that are constant

and I can’t keep up with the time.

life is leaving me behind.

two

this life of two is breaking me

slowly

like a tiny crack in glass

that begins accidentally

and lingers for a while.

over time

the damage becomes greater,

spreading throughout,

unintentionally weakening

that which was fragile

to begin with

although disguised as unbreakable

until it

comes

apart.

one

why do I feel so dark even though the sun is shining?

on the verge of tears

trying to keep

the other me 
down inside.

happiness comes and goes

too often.

too often spending time trying to figure out

how to make it stay.

but then the loneliness comes and takes it away.