ten

sometimes it's a struggle
between the different parts of me

young
free
irresponsible
self-absorbed
searching
older
trapped
heavy
wrinkled
forgetful

but when both sides are working
so hard
nothing gets done really.
i want them to learn to get along
to accept each other
but is that possible?

nine

not
even
knowing
what
to
write
feeling
so

mixed
up.

not
even 
sure
what
that
means.

or
what
i 
mean.

eight

just when you think you're feeling better
you realize you're not.
the sun is out. the sky is blue.
suddenly the clouds rush in to cover
the happiness.
emotions change,
thoughts get heavy,
walls close in,
no one notices but me.
get up.
go out.
move.
my body is so heavy,
held down by the realization
that every better feeling
is only temporary.

seven

there is one disadvantage
to being happy all the time
or seeming so
outside yourself
and that is
when you're not
everyone notices.
and so you try 
a little harder 
to make the happy
happier
but the not gets
so much bigger
and so you try a lot harder
and then the happy tries
are almost
impossible.

six

i am so exhausted
listening to the screams
inside my head.
i am the only one
who hears them,
their deafening silence
is louder than life,
wrapping around my dreams,
enveloping the frustration.
pay attention
i am here,
an observer only partly seen-
wanting to be heard.

five

i brought a life into this one

i was hoping to watch,

and guide,

and share
and be a big part,
make a difference-

but somehow

i am only a small part 
of her life,

unable to make changes

to the world

i was once in.

maybe later,
things will change-

i’ve stopped hoping now

and that’s the hardest part.

four

i feel like I’m locked in a prison

that no one else can see.

it is invisible

hidden by my happiness;

the bars that keep me in

are reinforced

by the smiles I’m sentenced

to wear.